WACKO MARIA LEOPARD GOWN COATS & HOW TO STRENGTHEN YOUR PIMP HAND

Images via Goodhood

Better snatch up a pair of FingerWeights™ (yes, that is an actual product; look it up) and start strengthening your pimp hand, because this Leopard Gown Coat from Wacko Maria is strictly for people who hold managerial positions in the illicit sex trade. Seems like a niche market to focus on, I know, but just ask the people who sell vegan mustache wax -- when you find your niche, no matter how small, you hammer the shit out of it. Much like the aforementioned pimps hammer the shit out of their employees and their employees’ deadbeat patrons. Damn, this got dark real quick. If this post was a movie, Jeremy Saulnier would direct it. Zoolander 2 is playing in the background, so I’m distracted by trying to catch and catalogue every cameo, which is turning out to be an unexpectedly epic undertaking. If Jeremy Saulnier had directed this movie, there’d be a scene where Mugatu’s dog rips Hansel’s throat out in an idiosyncratically gory and unceremonious fashion. Get it? Fashion. Because Zoolander. Right? Now I’m watching the NBA playoffs. Man, I’m all over the place right now. You know what? I’m actually going to talk about this coat, because it's a badass garment and it deserves praise. I fuck with leopard print. I fuck with gowns, coats, and all combinations thereof. If you have like half a rack to throw around like Monopoly money, you can fuck with those things via this coat. Except the new Monopoly is all debit cards and scanners and whatnot, so, in the future, references to cash Monopoly money will be delightfully anachronistic, like fixie bikes or journalistic integrity. Well, that was a thoughtful and compelling argument in favor of something or other. Buying FingerWeights™​, I think. Yeah, that sounds right. I guess pimping ain’t easy after all - RB