TENDER CO. WALLABY POCKET TAIL SHIRTS & THE EGREGIOUS OMISSION OF EXTRATERRESTRIALS

Images via Mutiny

This Wallaby Pocket Tail Shirt from Tender Co. is so perfect, it makes me want to go to prison. Not a modern American prison, mind you; something more along the lines of Halden Prison in Norway or that Wes Anderson prison in The Grand Budapest Hotel. I might even consider an Ernest Goes To Jail situation, if the circumstances were right. I’ve always wanted to develop superpowers after being electrocuted. Who doesn’t have that dream? You ever cry because of a commercial? If you answered “Yes”, then you will be facing a difficult road in any contemporary prison, in the United States. There’s not a ton of empathy for those who cry during televised advertisements, in the joint. Watching the History Channel has taught me that if you want to survive in the penitentiary (i.e. avoid getting summarily shanked), you’d better get affiliated with an identity-appropriate gang lickety-split. It also taught me that aliens are directly or indirectly responsible for every major human accomplishment in recorded history, so all that should be taken with a panspermic meteor of salt. Peace to Giorgio. I bet if Giorgio went to the pokey, he’d start his own gang of creepy-faced xenophiles, take over the library, and fill it with David Icke books. If you really think about it, the biggest flaw in The Shawshank Redemption is the egregious omission of extraterrestrials, when it’s patently obvious that Andy Dufresne’s daring escape would have required more than a little alien assistance. It’s obvious to me, at least. And Giorgio -- Giorgio will back me up. Did you know that mint chocolate chip ice cream was invented by an extraterrestrial? That is a totally true fact. Don’t even bother looking it up in some reputable source. Just take me at my word (which is, incidentally, my bond). I’m all types of trustworthy - RB