RICK OWENS BIRKENSTOCKS & MAD BARTER SKILLS

Images via Concepts

Get ready to eat Top Ramen for the rest of the calendar year, mes amis, because you need a pair of these Birkenstock x Rick Owens Arizonas (available in Fell Langhaar Grau, Velour Dust, Amalfi Black, and Army Felt Brown) on your feet right now and they cost 420 USD a pair, which is a shitload of cashish for the average modern human, employed in some sort of average modern human profession, such as social media coordinator, craft cocktail bartender, or true crime podcaster. Yes, regular Birky Arizonas cost a mere 100 USD, but are they affiliated with Rick tha gawd Owens, the designer preferred by four out of five fuccbois? You may well balk at the price, but this is the nature of our capitalistic system. Consumption is the vehicle for the creation of both the self and the collective. Without consumption, there is nothing. So consume, dear reader. I command you to consume. If we do not consume, then the economy will die. If the economy dies, then everyday resources will become attainable only by force and we will all end up fighting to the death in some sort of Thunderdome knockoff. I won’t last long. I have a low tolerance for pain and an even lower propensity for physical confrontations. I’m not competitive or anything, but I make like the best victim ever. Plus my head will make an adorable adornment for your spiked shoulder armor. Or armour, because British spellings are so much more fashionable. I don’t know exactly why that is, but it is. Why try to deny the undeniable? Buy some expensive sandals. Put some hot sauce on the Top Ramen of your life. Soon we’ll all be worm’s meat, so you’d better carpe that fucking diem while you still can. Once the bombs drop, you’ll only be able to get expensive sandals after completing a series of increasingly tedious and elaborate fetch quests for some rando running a bed and breakfast out of a well-stocked bomb shelter. Hope you leveled up your barter skills, fam. You’re going to need them -RB