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Open your wallets and let the money flow, fam, because these Ripstop New Yorker Pants from orSlow are the ideal covering for your justifiably self-doubt-provoking legs. I’m sorry. I don’t know what your legs look like. It’s unfair of me to be so presumptuous. I’m obviously just projecting my own insecurities onto you. I need to stop that. It’s unhealthy. Anyway, orSlow is one of my all-time favorite brands and I fuck heavily with this particular pair of pants. They cost 225 USD, but if you’re a real New Yorker, you’re probably already paying like twenty-two hundo per month to live in little more than a closet. It’s a cliché for a reason, dear reader. All major cities are fueled by the buoyant hopes and inevitable sorrows of their residents. Cities are like Audrey II, screaming “Feed me, Seymour!”, except instead of human flesh and blood, you feed them your disposable income and youth. Back to the pants: these things are perfect for sitting on your futon and smoking weed, while you play Xbox and bump Rap Caviar in a desperate attempt to block out the sounds of your roommate and his Tinder date making the beast with two backs in the adjoining room. The saddest part of this bleak tableau isn’t the profoundly uncomfortable sexual intercourse happening not ten feet from where you lay your head down to sleep, but that you’re wildly envious of your roommate for the mere fact that he’s making some sort of contact with another person, regardless of how fleeting or gross it may be. It’s at this point that you consider it lucky that your windows only open an inch or two, lest you be tempted to throw yourself out of one. It’s okay. You’ll experience the sweet peace of death eventually. You just have to be patient. Good things come to those who wait. Happy Monday, motherfuckers -RB
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