NIKE CORTEZ ULTRA BRS & *HIGH-FIVES*

Images via Notre Shop

Wake up, America. The world is a cruel, cold place, so you need some fire sneakers like these Nike Cortez Ultra BRs (available in black, racer blue/white, crimson/white) to help you survive. Oh, you think fire sneakers are optional? Think again, mon frère. Next year, when every denomination of dollar features a different portrait of Donald Trump, you'll be begging for a pair of sick kicks to distract you from all the tire fires burning outside. Don't worry though: you will have so many guns. You'll have the best guns. Only the best. Spared no expense. Wait, that one is from Jurassic Park. Now I'm imagining a shot-for-shot remake of Jurassic Park, featuring  Trump as John Hammond. I honestly feel like he'd kill it in that role. You'd just need to tweak the ending to have the Donald ride in on the T-Rex's back, wearing a pair of these Nikes and smoking a corn cob pipe for some reason. That would be fucking cool. Obviously, he'd have to rock the crimson joints to match his legendary coiffure. Too bad he's running for President, not away from a pack of hyper-intelligent velociraptors (*high-five*). Like I said: the world is a cruel, cold place ​-RB