HELEN LEVI BEACH CARAFES & WHERE I STORE MY BLOOD

Images via Need Supply

This is going to sound Brooklyn as fuck, but I’m really lusting after these Helen Levi Beach Carafes (available in white/black and blue). So Brooklyn, it’s Queens. That doesn’t make any sense, but it’s also true. These bitchin’ stone pitchers cost 150 USD a pop and they look super dope and, yes, now I’m using bitchin’ unironically, as is my right as an American *bald eagle noise*. Speaking of being American *bald eagle noise*, I became a homeowner this week, so get ready for more posts about wildly expensive housewares that I can’t even close to afford. Maybe I’ll toss in a few about fancy paints and appliances and sandpaper or whatever. I always imagine how cool it would be to have a home filled with fancy ass, elegantly crafted objets, but then I inevitably remember that life is characterized by compromise and that IKEA exists *common blackbird noise*. You know what will make that joke funnier? If I explain it: the common blackbird is the national bird of Sweden. Now you know. At IKEA, I can cop an Arkelstorp and a dozen cinnamon buns at the same time. Can fancy ass objets do that? I don’t think so. That doesn’t make a lick of sense, but it’s also true. Now I’m all fired up to go to IKEA for real. I want to go and just look around, but we all know that there’s no such thing as just looking around at IKEA. Every IKEA store is an elaborate maze, designed to coax, cajole, or otherwise convince you to fill your vehicle to bursting with end tables, drawer organizers, and a plenitude of superfluous meatballs. Looping back around, let me send a specific shout out to carafes and a broader shout out to decanting in general. I hate storing things in their original containers. I keep all my blood under my bed, in a bunch of secondhand Weck jars -RB