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I recommend copping one of these Title Town Varsity Jackets from Golden Bear before they sell out, because sell out they will and sad you shall be. Deep down, everybody wants to live that high school sports fantasy as sold to us by popular culture: catch the big pass, win the big game, get the big girl or boy. The ecstasy of youthful glory is almost worth all the brain-shredding head injuries. Sports, man. Sports. Do you play them or do they play you? An important question for your brain to consider before it’s turned to mush within your supposedly protective cranium. Shoot your shot, dawg. And you’d better shoot it with the quickness, before your stepdad runs out onto the court or field or ice and kicks the living shit out of the referee or umpire or mascot. Don’t blame him for his violent outbursts; if you were better at sports, he’d be completely calm and peaceful. He’s living vicariously through you, so your failures are his failures and vice versa. Remember when he forgot your mom’s birthday and had to sleep on the couch for a week? What a dick you are for both allowing that to and making that happen. You are the victim and perpetrator of every negative act in your orbit. Life would be much easier for everyone involved if you weren’t such a reprehensible piece of shit. Hold on. You ever get halfway through a blog post that’s ostensibly about Golden Bear varsity jackets and, to a lesser extent, sports, only to realize that you’ve devolved into a full blown Freudian projection fest, ultimately stemming from your inability to honestly confront your own gnawing inadequacies? Whew! Well, I’m glad these are universal concerns that affect most, if not all, people and not just the worrying symptoms of my heretofore undiagnosed mental illnesses -RB
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