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They say not all heroes wear capes, dear readers, but some superheroes do indeed wear this Bordeaux Field Cape from Boramy Viguier, because it is the attire of a hard-bodied demi-gawd sent to Earth to save us from the perils of crappy clothing. Never mind the tragic backstory in which a parent or loved one is brutally slain in an incident that proves ironically formational to his character; instead, focus on the hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of innocent civilians killed in his latest battle with his archnemesis, who is a dark mirror of him in almost every way. This adventure-ready cape features a drawstring hood and a well-placed patch pocket on the chest, which you can fill with various goodies, including, but not limited to, your wallet, Juul, and a bunch of opioids your doctor prescribed after a chuck of masonry landed on your car, crushing your leg, while you were trying to escape the aforementioned climactic battle. Now you’re cursed with an eerily idiosyncratic limp and an equally idiosyncratic gilded cane. I hope you have a doctorate in either particle physics or biochemistry, because the only ways to solve these problems involve constructing a death ray or developing a supervirus. Oh, and I hope you’re independently wealthy, because the payroll for armies of faceless henchman and the mortgage payments on mountaintop lairs don’t come cheap. You’ll also have to buy a (preferably hairless) cat, ideally a really lazy one, willing to lie in your lap getting stroked all day, watching as the people who displease you drop through trapdoors into pits of concentrated sulphuric acid or tanks full of hungry mako sharks. On a semi-related note, remember that unpleasant five (maybe ten) year period after Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery came out when everyone from television personalities to toll booth operators was referencing the movie? When your middle school science teacher tells a class of ten year olds to “Oh, behave” in his own uniquely horrific attempt at a British accent, you know you’re in for a rough semester. When that same teacher catches you alone in the bathroom and says “Do I make you horny, baby?” you know you’re in serious trouble. Well, enjoy having that creepy image linger in your mind. Stay safe, dear readers -RB
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