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I suggest you sit back and crack a malty ass Dunkelweizen before continuing, because today I'll be ranting about this Heather Mustard Camp Shirt from Battenwear, which, I image, would pair nicely with a lovely, traditional Weisswurst, hence the need for a frothy vase of dark wheat beer. Sometimes the simplest things are the best things. Have you ever been to Munich? You should buy this shirt and go there. While you're there, you can fill that small chest pocket with Euro coins, then immediately forget about them, only to remember your pocketful of foreign currency when it sets off the metal detector at the Flughafen München. Ah, what an ass you will feel like, with all those sets of Bavarian eyes trained on you, disappointment plain in their pupils. Thank fuck you've got a sweet shirt and a bellyful of booze buoying you. But now those delicious-but-heavy white sausages are repeating on you and you have an overwhelming urge to bust a Class A Growler in the potted plant over by the entrance to the weird German McDonald's (Fucking Nürnburger? What the fuck?). I understand, bro. We've all been there. But you need to maintain. Maintain, bro, maintain. Take a deep breath. Let it out. Think of mustard. Contemplate its variety; there are so many kinds of mustard and most, if not all, are pretty damn good. Dijon, whole grain, English, German, Chinese...I could go on, but I won't, because I know you totally get the point. Just try as hard as you can to focus on mustard, because I'm pretty sure we're about to be detained by airport security. We're not going to make our flight -RB
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