BARENA VENEZIA GOLENA SWEATERS & DOING IT FOR THE AUTOSTEREOGRAMS

Images via Norse Store

Bro, I hear that if you look closely at this Sweater Golena from Barena Venezia (also available in Navy), a schooner appears. I can’t verify that personally, because I’ve never been good at those Magic Eye images. I’d blame my eyes, but I can’t, due to the well-documented fact that I have excellent eyesight; 20/10, to be specific. As the President might say, I have the best eyes. However, I also have the worst patience, hence my inability to uncover the hidden secrets of autostereograms (yes, that is the technical term and, yes, I had to look it up). Actually, now that I have looked up the science behind autostereograms, it may be my unimpeachably accurate eyes that are to blame after all: to see the three-dimensional image embedded in the two-dimensional image, one’s eyes must “overcome the normally automatic coordination between accommodation (focus) and horizontal vergence (angle of one's eyes)”. Since my eyes are a pair of very stable geniuses, I suspect they are unwilling to force themselves to fail at their appointed task. My eyes are winners, not losers. My eyes win so much, they’re sick of winning. My eyes win so much, I’m sick of them taking in visual information about the horrific world around me, but that’s a story for another day. Today we’re talking about a really cool sweater. It’s made of a stretch wool and nylon blend and features raglan sleeves, which are always a nice detail on a quality shirt or sweater. It’s also somewhat affordable, coming in at 197 USD (216 for the navy version), which is a relatively modest price tag for a well-made bit of Italian knitwear. Considering that this Alpine Air Pullover from Lululemon costs 198 USD and is also an ugly, generic piece of shit, 197 USD is a steal for the Barena Venezia joint. When Lululemon makes clothes, they’re not sending us their best. They’re sending garbage leggings, trash hoodies, and some of them, I assume, are good garments. That’s why I’m building a wall and the athleisure brands are going to pay for it. Man, I fully committed to this Trump spoof and now I’m starting to regret it. Mocking the President isn’t fun, it’s depressing. Alec Baldwin described doing his Trump impression as “agony” and that’s coming from a guy who can call his eleven year old daughter a “rude, thoughtless pig” without compunction. Fuck, I feel gross now. This plane of existence is disgusting. But you know what’s not disgusting at all? That dope ass sweater. And now we’ve come full circle, like the ring of fire we’ve all plunged into -RB