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Images via Suicoke
So, I’m not usually a sandals guy, but these MOTO-M2ABs from SUICOKE (available in Beige and Brown) go harder than a motherfucker. You might not think that a pair of sandals can go harder than a motherfucker, but look at that photo up there: that pair of sandals does absolutely go harder than a motherfucker. Those sandals make me want to develop a popular app, sell my company to Facebook, and retire to an island nation with white sand beaches and a weak national currency. I figure the app will be along the lines of “Uber, but for half-full Crowlers of craft beer” or some shit like that. Call it HLFmpty℠. By 2021 it’ll be valued at 7.5 billion USD and I’ll be doing interviews with Wired and Tech Insider, in which I pretend to be a normal person, who is not a weird multi-millionaire, by dropping awkward references to whatever meme was dankest about six weeks prior. After I’ve divested myself of my shares in the company and completed my transition to super-rich island-dwelling recluse, I’ll trade in my black turtleneck and Common Projects for and an Aloha robe and a pair of sandals; sandals that, as I might’ve mentioned earlier, go harder than a motherfucker. I’ll quit all social media, except for Instagram, which I will use exclusively for posting photos of my sandaled feet, captioned simply #vibing. Eventually I’ll allow a film crew from Vice to follow me around my beachside villa as I wax philosophical about the simplicity of island life, the ills of late stage capitalism, and the benefits of living impulsively, all while taking rips from a bottle of overproof pot still rum. At some point, I’ll pass out in a hammock, permanently interrupting a disjointed rant about the state of the modern tech industry, and my loyal, but impatient housekeeper will usher the crew to the guest house, begging them to leave me to my drunken sleep. Once the video is released, I’ll complain loudly to my staff and passing iguanas that many of my statements were taken out of context. They can do anything with editing, you know. Reading the Youtube comments section will send me spiraling into self-loathing depression and self-destructive alcoholism. Soon after, I’ll develop a sudden and severe addiction to a rare Chinese research chemical; an addiction I’ll document in a series of drug-fueled vlogs, in which I rage against Vice, Silicon Valley (the place and the show), and agents of the globalist shadow government, prompting Alex Jones to refer to me as “a very smart man” on an episode of InfoWars. Days later, my loyal, but impatient housekeeper will discover my dead body in my hammock, rocking back and forth in the gentle sea breeze. A Salon writer will pen a surprisingly nuanced essay about my life, unimaginatively titled “Glass Half Empty: The Life and Death of the Tech World’s Oddest Man Out”. I’ll become a cautionary tale for app developers and digital entrepreneurs, my name only mentioned in tense Palo Alto meetings and verbose underground rap verses. Remember me however you want. I don’t care about my legacy. Just make sure to bury me with my sandals on. They go harder than a motherfucker -RB
Images via Mohawk General Store
You need a winter kimono, so buy this Boa Hanten from Sasquatchfabrix and ring in the New Year by scratching that line item off of your to-do list. Although I’m not sure where winter kimonos fit into Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (that’s a lie: they’re at the bottom, but Maslow can fuck right off with that bullshit), I do know that owning one is a prerequisite for true self-actualization. Indeed, since the so-called “deficiency” needs must be fulfilled before one can proceed to address the “being” or “growth” needs, I think Maslow would agree with me (he wouldn’t: he’s dead and likely wouldn’t agree even if he wasn’t) that dropping 690 USD on a winter kimono is a small price to pay to satisfy a deficiency in one’s physiological needs and ascend to the next tier of salient needs. Now, let’s set aside the well-reasoned and researched critiques of Maslow’s theory and focus on my major criticism, which is that it does not allow for personal developmental growth via the purchase of material goods (hereafter known as self-actualization by acquisition). There is scientific evidence that buying stuff you like can make you happy. Obviously spending beyond your means or merely for the purpose of conspicuous consumption does more harm than good, but these are failures of self-regulation, not intrinsic pitfalls of materialism. Know thyself and purchase accordingly. Eschew the false promises and feigned pathos of Madison Avenue ad wizards. Forswear the frothing at the mouth recommendations of sponsored influencers. Ignore the inane ramblings of self-styled fashion bloggers, who command you to splurge on random niche pieces like winter kimonos, despite the fact that you own a grand total of zero regular kimonos. Those guys are the worst. Self-actualization by acquisition should not be influenced by and cannot be achieved through external forces; only answers generated within the self may solve the questions asked by the self. Ergo, actualization is inherently incumbent on the individual and his or her decisions regarding what material goods to acquire. Okay, I’m spinning such bullshit right now that it’s giving me flashbacks to my college days, writing rambling, indecipherable analysis of circuitous, impenetrable texts. The most important skill you can develop at university is the ability to stretch one hundred words worth of content into two thousand words worth of bullshit. Obviously I would never abuse that ability in order to transmute a passing observation about a fancy garment into a full blog post via some form of linguistic alchemy. That would be unprofessional, unscrupulous, and downright unethical. I have the utmost respect for my dear readers and -- oh, wait, I’ve reached my target word count. This is Rhys Bufford, signing off -RB
Images via Jungmaven
I'm uncertain whether I've written about hemp gurus Jungmaven before, so let's just agree that I have not and let's further agree that such an oversight represents a critical failure on my part. I shall now attempt to remedy this failure by extolling the virtues of their Tahoe Terry Sweatshirts (available in a cornucopia of dope colors). These cozy crewnecks are constructed from a mid-weight 9.6oz terry (55% hemp, 45% cotton) and feature a dropped shoulder seam and roomy fit. At 98 USD a pop, these sweatshirts offer great value for sustainable, American-made garments. Yes, 98 USD is not nothing, but rest assured that the price is commensurate with the quality. Warning: this post is not going to be particularly humorous. Please excuse me for a moment...*steps up onto soapbox*...The modern fashion industrial complex designs for disposability. It thrives on the overconsumption of underpriced products. It builds fortunes on the backs of overworked and underpaid laborers. And it expects you not to care. Indeed, it relies on the deafening apathy of the buying public to act as a bulwark against any repercussions for its crimes against humanity and the environment. Google "Bangladesh factory fire", then consider how fast-fashion companies like H&M, Gap, and Zara entice their customers with low prices, while their workers pay the highest cost. Read up on the drying of the Aral Sea and forced labor in cotton production in Uzbekistan and Turkmenistan, then reflect on the contents of your own closet. Do you own any garments made by slaves? By children? Do you even want to know?...*gets off soapbox*...Look, I'm well aware that not everyone can afford to immediately replace his entire wardrobe with ethically-made and sustainably-sourced clothing. Our nation's youth is beset on all sides by the inequities of stagnating wages and the tyranny of student loans. I'm not such an idealist that I expect a couple of broke ass generations to suddenly upend the global fashion market. We operate in a massively interconnected web of economies and there are powerful, well-entrenched forces at work, far beyond our control. All I'm asking is that we think before we buy. It's that simple. Start today: buy a Jungmaven Tahoe Sweatshirt and wear the shit out of it. Wear it until it comes apart at the seams. Wear it to death. And every time you put it on, remember this important truth: Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself -RB
Images via Norse Store
Bro, I hear that if you look closely at this Sweater Golena from Barena Venezia (also available in Navy), a schooner appears. I can’t verify that personally, because I’ve never been good at those Magic Eye images. I’d blame my eyes, but I can’t, due to the well-documented fact that I have excellent eyesight; 20/10, to be specific. As the President might say, I have the best eyes. However, I also have the worst patience, hence my inability to uncover the hidden secrets of autostereograms (yes, that is the technical term and, yes, I had to look it up). Actually, now that I have looked up the science behind autostereograms, it may be my unimpeachably accurate eyes that are to blame after all: to see the three-dimensional image embedded in the two-dimensional image, one’s eyes must “overcome the normally automatic coordination between accommodation (focus) and horizontal vergence (angle of one's eyes)”. Since my eyes are a pair of very stable geniuses, I suspect they are unwilling to force themselves to fail at their appointed task. My eyes are winners, not losers. My eyes win so much, they’re sick of winning. My eyes win so much, I’m sick of them taking in visual information about the horrific world around me, but that’s a story for another day. Today we’re talking about a really cool sweater. It’s made of a stretch wool and nylon blend and features raglan sleeves, which are always a nice detail on a quality shirt or sweater. It’s also somewhat affordable, coming in at 197 USD (216 for the navy version), which is a relatively modest price tag for a well-made bit of Italian knitwear. Considering that this Alpine Air Pullover from Lululemon costs 198 USD and is also an ugly, generic piece of shit, 197 USD is a steal for the Barena Venezia joint. When Lululemon makes clothes, they’re not sending us their best. They’re sending garbage leggings, trash hoodies, and some of them, I assume, are good garments. That’s why I’m building a wall and the athleisure brands are going to pay for it. Man, I fully committed to this Trump spoof and now I’m starting to regret it. Mocking the President isn’t fun, it’s depressing. Alec Baldwin described doing his Trump impression as “agony” and that’s coming from a guy who can call his eleven year old daughter a “rude, thoughtless pig” without compunction. Fuck, I feel gross now. This plane of existence is disgusting. But you know what’s not disgusting at all? That dope ass sweater. And now we’ve come full circle, like the ring of fire we’ve all plunged into -RB
Images via Need Supply
Boy howdy, you’d better hurry up and buy a pair of these Bondi B Sneakers from Hoka x Engineered Garments (available in Multi, White, and Black) before they sell out faster than Green Day after Dookie. This sneaker design is as quirky and fun as one might expect from a collabo between these two idiosyncratic brands and I’m here for it, in the parlance of our times. Obviously you should cop a pair in each colorway, so you can rock the white joints on Casual Fridays, the multicolored joints at TGIFridays, and the black joints at home on Friday night, alternating between doing something wholesome, like binging the Great British Baking Show, and doing something wholly uncomfortable, like masturbating to the Great British Baking Show. Hoka is known for producing legit running shoes, so you know these will be comfy out of the box, and Engineered Garments is known for being fucking awesome, so you know you will look at least 50% cooler while wearing them. I’m trying to think of a witticism somehow relating the Bondi Bs to Cardi B, but it’s just not happening. Maybe Hoka could consider releasing a special edition red-bottomed "Bodak Yellow" colorway, preferably before press time for this post. Look at me using terms like “press time”, as though I was some sort of actual journalist. This blog resembles actual journalism about as closely as Little Caesar’s resembles actual pizza. Not exactly holding out hope for a Pulitzer over here. However, I will accept a sponsorship from Little Caesar’s. In exchange, I will stop mentioning you in a negative light. Indeed, I’ll start doing that now, as a gesture of good faith. Little Caesar’s produces food that you can ingest to gain sustenance and stave off starvation. That is a factual statement to which I freely attest. Who’s hungry? I know I am. This post is the blogging equivalent of going to the supermarket after taking a blunt to the face and ending up with a basket filled with two slabs of bacon, three bags of marshmallows, and nineteen single serving Icelandic yogurts. Lingonberries are deadass smack. You can quote me on that, especially if you work for a skyr producer. I’m looking at you, siggi’s. Gimme dat gurt, bruh. I’m down for a yogurt sponsorship, if the whole Little Caesar’s thing doesn’t pan out (that’s a pizza pun, miei amici). Guys, I’m so fucking hungry. I’m looking at the multicolored Bondi Bs and now I want some Fruit by the Foot and/or some Skittles. No Red Vines or Twizzlers though. Both those candies are straight ass. Don’t @ me -RB
Images via Opumo
Fall is on the creep, fam, and it’s time to talk chore coats, specifically this Stormy Sea Chet Painter’s Jacket from Wax London. The end of summer means many things to many people. For parents and students, it marks the beginning of a new school year. For fashion nerds such as myself, it heralds the arrival of new AW (autumn/winter to the uninitiated) collections from innumerable clothing brands. For the fictional residents of the equally fictional Haddonfield, Illinois, it serves as a bone-chilling reminder of a certain masked spree killer’s reign of terror. I’d list more examples of different character types being affected by seasonal change, but the Rule of Three is ironclad and shall not be broken, under pain of failed comedy, which is a fate worse than death. Just ask Dane Cook. Yes, I know he’s in the middle of a self-proclaimed career comeback, but I recently sat through the entirety of Good Luck Chuck and I will hate him forever for his part in crafting that stillborn rat fetus of a film. I should mention that if you are a resident of Haddonfield, which you aren’t, because you are a real person, be careful wearing this Chet Jacket, lest the fabric end up being garment-dyed with your own blood. The Shape could be around any corner, behind any bush, waiting to turn you into a human knife block. Is it too early for a post filled with references to the Halloween franchise? You decide. Anywhoozles, Wax London named this painter’s jacket in honor of jazz great Chet Baker, not your friend Chet from Theta Chi, who did thirty-six months in prison due to his involvement in a hazing ritual that resulted in the death of a pledge. No one’s naming anything after that Chet. He almost cost the frat their charter. And he can’t play the trumpet for shit. I recognize that my last post was about Chads and this one’s about Chets and I’m fine with that. If you’ve got a problem with me making fun of stereotypical white guy names, feel free to start your own gently irreverent fashion blog and make fun of my name. Damn, I started this post by saying we’d talk about chore coats and I’ve done nothing but talk about Dane Cook, Michael Myers, and fraternity-related manslaughter, which is a shame, because this particular coat is straight up flames. Let me rectify this injustice with the quickness. Long time readers will know that I’m a sucker for cool pockets and those big ole patch pockets definitely deliver on that front. I’m also enamored of that powdery blue garment-dyed fabric. Sometimes a color/texture combo hits the mark so perfectly that all you can do is marvel at its greatness. I have no notes for you, Wax London. But I do have a note for Dane Cook: go fuck yourself. Just kidding homeslice; please hook me up with a role in your next terrible movie -RB
Images via Très Bien
Hola brochachos! Today I’m lusting after this Chad Coat from Acne Studios, because I believe it’s never too early to start looking at winter coats, what with all this man-made climate change creeping up on us. I don’t know if you’ve seen the documentary film The Day After Tomorrow, but a new ice age could kick off at pretty much any time and we’ll all be forced to burn civilization’s most precious documents to keep warm. Plus, there will be hella wolves just roaming around, looking for hapless wanderers to devour. What more thematically appropriate garb could there be than a wool overcoat? Shout to sheep, by the way. And goats, I guess, as the Chad Coat is made from a wool/cashmere blend and I don’t want the goat community to think I’m biased against them. Goats are great. Having weird horizontal pupils and screaming like a terrified human? Fuck yeah. I’m about that goat life. Should we move on or shall I continue to extoll the strange virtues of these noble ovine ruminants? Given that you are unable to respond in real time, I’m choosing the former, so say goodbye to the goats. Don’t worry though, I’m sure they’ll return in a future installment, maybe one about delicious mutton dishes and/or the dark lord Satan. Anyway, Acne produces a ton of cool clothes, but I’ve always found their overcoats to be particularly covet-worthy and this Chad Coat is no exception. It’s got super clean lines and a perfectly relaxed fit. Even better, despite its name, it looks like the kind of garment no man named Chad would wear, probably due to the fact that it a) has sleeves and b) would make executing a keg stand considerably more difficult. Apologies to any and all Chads in my readership. I don’t mean to stereotype you based on something as basic and unchosen as your name. I certainly don’t want the Chad community thinking I’m biased against them. Chads are great. Not as great as goats, but who is? Let’s not set unattainable standards. That never works out well for anyone. Except for goats, of course, who will always remain the undisputed champions of the animal kingdom, thanks to eons of successful evolution and the continuing patronage of Satan. Sheep are cool too, but they were not chosen by the dark lord and are thusly inferior to their goat cousins. Not trying to shit on sheep here -- I’m half-Welsh, which probably makes me part sheep -- but, goddamn, goats are just so great. Did you know that the process of goats giving birth is called “kidding”? So when you say “I’m just kidding”, you’re really saying “I’m just giving birth to an infant goat”. Okay, that last sentence is definitely untrue. Now I’m getting swept up in the euphoria of this goat appreciation post and telling silly falsehoods for no good reason. Goats will do that to you. It’s one of their many powers, like climbing trees and not having any teeth on their upper jaws. So go ahead and cop this Chad Coat. Do it for yourself. More importantly, do it for the goats. I know they’ll appreciate it -RB
Images via Context
Dear Santa, I know it’s only August and also you don’t exist, but I would nonetheless like to request a pair of these Stow Acorn Antique Derby Boots from Trickers, because they are, in layman’s terms, the tits. Like holy fucking shit, man, just look at these jawns: they are the Platonic ideal of dress boots. Who doesn’t love a storm welt paired with a heavy brogue? Brogues are for rogues, bro. Everybody knows that. Brogues are not for peasant slaves though. No offense to the peasant slaves, of course. I don’t make the rules. I merely, like a whore, unpack my heart with words. No offense to the whores either. Sex work is real work. Are any of these Hamlet jokes landing or am I on my own here? With every post, I find new ways to alienate large portions of my vanishingly small audience. I’d never even be able to wear these boots, considering how many times I’ve shot myself in the foot. Why, what an ass am I! Okay, I promise to stop with the Shakespeare quotes. I’m just feeling emo and there are few characters in the history of literature more emo than that tragically mopey Prince of Denmark. A mall emo-inspired production of Hamlet would actually be super dope. Stick him in a My Chemical Romance shirt, give him a swoopy haircut, snakebite piercings, and copious amounts of heavy black eyeliner. You know what? I’ve said too much already. If any of you jack my idea and put this show up without consulting me, I will burn down whatever shithole black box theater you’re operating out of. Your stage manager will be scooping up your cremains with your shitty, hastily Photoshopped playbills. Think these are idle threats? I wrote the first draft of the book for Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, but it was stolen off my computer while I was dropping a dining hall cuisine deuce in the dorm bathroom. We all know how that one worked out. No offense to thespians injured in the line of duty. I have mad respect for acting. Y’all probably think Uta Hagen is a German ice cream brand. I’m a fan of the craft. And Billy Zane. He’s a cool dude. BloodRayne was hot garbage though. I promise I didn’t write that one. Fuck, how did I get from 670 USD boots to Uwe Boll’s filmography? I feel like I took a bunch of Ambien in my bedroom and woke up naked in the middle of a Walgreens. Hate when that happens. Oh well. I’ll just have to stay on topic next time. Pinky promise -RB
Images via Hodinkee Look out, folks, because I’m about to wax poetic about this Prospex Diver SPB087 from Seiko, cosigned by the good people at PADI (the Professional Association of Diving Instructions) and emblazoned with their signature blue and red colors on the coin-edge bezel. No watch-related post would be complete without an extended enumeration of technical particulars, so let’s get that out of the way, shall we? The SPB087, like most of the modern Prospex series, takes inspiration from the classic Seiko divers of the 1960s and ‘70s, specifically the 1968 Hi-Beat diver (ref. 6159-7001). The case is stainless steel, with a 44mm diameter, 13.1mm thickness, and 200 meters of water resistance. Inside it is the 6R15 caliber, a 23 jewel in-house movement with a 50 hour power reserve, beating at a solid 21,600 vph (vibrations per hour). The 6R15 features manual winding and hacking seconds capabilities, in addition to Seiko movement mainstays the SPRON 510 mainspring and the Magic Lever self-winding system. If your eyes glazed over while reading the last four sentences, I totally understand. Getting into mechanical watches is an intrinsically geeky fascination, one that can seem absolutely alien to any outsiders unfortunate enough to get caught in conversation with its adherents, which is incidentally the situation you find yourself in right now, dear reader. We few, we happy few, who wish to discuss the ins and outs of handset styles and lug-to-lug distances are a self-selecting bunch of weirdos and, oh no, I’m doing it, aren’t I? Quick, think of something culturally relevant to go on a tangent about. Thanos memes? Too played out. Trade war with China? Too depressing. Jeffrey Epstein being suicided by the Illuminati because he was going to confess to providing our reptilian overlords with young, nubile sex slaves for the purpose of creating saurian-human hybrids? Bingo. Do you think it’s an accident that Epstein spent 6.5 million USD funding the creation of the Program for Evolutionary Dynamics at Harvard University? Do you believe it’s merely by circumstance that Epstein donated a total of 100,000 USD to Bill Richardson’s 2002 and 2006 gubernatorial campaigns in New Mexico, the state which just so happens to be the home of Roswell and Area 51, not to mention Epstein’s own “baby ranch”? I’ll bet dollars to donuts that if you bust out your divining rods and do some dowsing, you’ll find that said ranch is situated right on top of intersecting ley lines. I’m perspiring quite vigorously as I type this, because unspooling a crazed conspiracy theory -- I mean, revealing the truth -- is sweaty business. I can’t help but think about the people on Instagram who only read the first half of this post and remain blissfully ignorant of the feverish madness that followed. I like to think they missed out -RB
Images via albam
Ayo, before you head off to the yard to bust caps in 30-50 feral hogs, you’d better cop a pair of these Fatigue Trousers from albam (available in Bottle Green and Navy), because how are you going to protect your children and/or property without kitting yourself out in the proper attire? Don’t get it twisted: I’m not making light of the scourge of wild swine that afflict the rural citizens of this great nation. I’m just here to get some unearned lulz out of the internet’s dankest memes before they go completely stale and end up relegated to a forgotten entry on knowyourmeme.com, rubbing elbows with the likes of Scumbag Steve and Philosoraptor. I wish I was strong enough to write entire posts focusing on the featured garments. I wish I had the fortitude to churn out solid paragraphs of dry copy, devoid of random deviations. I wish I could give you good people an unadulterated, meme-free look at these albam Fatigue Trousers, but that’s just not the man I am and that’s just not the world we live in. To quote the internet, “We live in a society”, a society under perpetual threat of attack by violent racists, assault rifle wielding sociopaths, and, apparently, hordes of untamed pigs. I fully acknowledge that, in the wake of tragedy, it can be hard to care about pants, regardless of how cool they are. But the tragedies never stop. Something bad is always happening. Isn’t it better to be wearing pants when things go wrong? Especially military-inspired, garment dyed pants that come in dope ass colorways. I hate when shit goes down when I’m not wearing pants and I’m not making an exceptionally poor attempt at a pants-shitting joke. Or at least I’m not trying to. Now is not a time for poop jokes. However, it is a time for pants. All times are times for pants. Okay, maybe just most times. I thought of a bunch of exceptions to that pants rule and I immediately regretted my proclamation, but I don’t want to get bogged down in the minutiae of trouser mores. Or maybe I do. Do you need to wear pants while washing dishes alone? I think not, but reasonable minds can differ. That’s the beauty of living in a pluralistic civilization: we can disagree on the necessity of pants. In fact, we can disagree on just about everything, including, but not limited to, the proper method of deterring 30-50 feral hogs. Sometimes, dear readers, it do be like that -RB
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