Images via Haven
The champ is here! Get ready to yell that with great frequency after you pick up one of these Midweight Terry Hooded Robes from Reigning Champ (available in Black and Heather Gray). Who cares who’s listening? Your manager can go fuck him or herself. You’re the champ. You’re untouchable. You are a golden god. You float like a butterfly, sting like an obligatory boxing reference. You killed that guy in the ring and got a ride in a cab driven by Esmarelda Villa Lobos, then hid out with your girlfriend in a hotel room for a while, in what is undoubtedly the slowest part of the movie. I’m not saying it’s not good: I’m just saying it’s a bit slow, is all. What were we talking about? It’s time to inject some adrenaline into the heart of this post. BAM! Like Emeril Lagasse. Or Bam Margera, one of the top contenders for the coveted Most Tragic Celebrity From My Youth Award. Life is an alligator snapping turtle and we’re all whatever it is that alligator snapping turtles eat. Fish, fish carcasses, and a bunch of other alive and dead shit apparently. Those fucking things are scary. A couple days ago, down in New Orleans, some dude found a human finger inside an alligator snapping turtle. If that finger belongs to you or someone you know, please contact law enforcement in New Orleans to claim it. I’m sure they have it on ice or in a mini fridge somewhere down there, waiting for you. Be sure to bring valid photo ID and whichever hand is missing a finger. There’s nothing worse than getting to the front of the line at the old Lost and Found Fingers Department and realizing that you left your driver's license in your other pants. To be fair, getting your finger bitten off by an alligator snapping turtle is pretty bad too. Unless you’re already dead. In that case, let the turtles take what they want. It’s so gauche to be a selfish corpse. Alright, have a great weekend, everybody -RB
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